say what: bum holes & m&ms

while talking about santa
l: where's the north pole at?
m: shows him on the globe
l: but how does he get down here?
m: he has a magical sleigh that goes really really fast
l: [looks at me like i'm an idiot] well, it would have to be really really fast.

another conversation about santa
l: why does santa use the same wrapping paper as us?
[he posed this question before he even knew santa would use the same wrapping paper]
m: that's because he wraps your presents when he comes to our house. they don't show that on the movies.
l: oh ya, makes sense.

*man am i in trouble- kid is only 3 and questioning the magic of santa!*

l: come on mom! let's play legos. here, i'll bring your chair over [his fancy new bean bag chair from grandpa dave] for your big bum.
m: i don't have a big bum!
l: yes you do! look at it!
[in his defense, i used his puppy chair often when i would sit on the ground when i was pregnant and after because it's just more comfortable. and my bum is big].

landon had woken up from his nap and come into my room. i usually let him play a game while i summon the energy to get up from my 15 minunte nap.
m: landon, you can play one more time. then it's time to turn it off.
l: ok. shhh! shhh! [pats my bed back down on the pillow]. go to sleep....go to sleep...

while putting his pants back on post-poo
l: what is this?
m: your bum
l: what's his?
m: your poop hole. don't touch it, it's full of germs.
l: ok ya that is a hole. [places hands on my face] you were right!

i had just got my car detailed and landon was playing with a tube of mini m&ms. he wasn't supposed to be playing with them but i was driving. he shook them and they came flying out ALL OVER THE CAR!
m: oh no landon!!! what did you do?!
l: it was an accident. i'm sorry.
m: [insert huffy grumpy angry scowl]
l: it's ok mom, we'll just buy some more next time we go to the store.

say what

m: landon, you can have a sandwich for lunch. do you want a turkey or peanut butter one?
l: turkey. with peanut butter.
m: ugh, that's gross. no, you can have peanut butter OR turkey.
l: i want turkey. with the white peanut butter [he meant
miracle whip]

while on a walk
l: i want to be captain hook [we had just gone to the museum where a kid hogged the captain hook costume]
m: you mean for halloween?
l: yes. and daddy can be peter pan!
m: oh fun.
l: and you can be the crocodile! and EAT peter pan!
m: well what about brother?
l: he can be tinkerbell!
m: but porter is a boy! boys are tinkerbell- girls are
l: no no mom. he has to be tinkerbell- we need a tinkerbell so it's porter's job.

landon was just chatting away while i was blissfully ignoring him and trying to get things done
l: mommy, it's all my fault.
i drop everything that i'm doing and look around for the disaster
m: what? what?! where?! what's your fault?
l: it's the dragon mom, the bad dragon. he made a big mess.
dude was creating some imaginary situation then took blame for it. i do not get this kid.

landon was playing outside in the rain and i caught him digging into daddy's grass that he just seeded
m: landon! get inside! you can't dig up daddy's new grass like that.
l: oh mommy, i'm so sorry. i made a mistake. i'm so very sorry. i was trying to dig up the seeds.
m: why would you dig up the seeds? they need to be there to make the grass grow.
l: the bugs need a place to live- and they like big holes.

while sitting with my mom-  both of us venting about life
me: don
't you wish sometimes we could drink?
mom: no, but i wish sometimes we could shoot [people].

while at target in the toy aisle - i had told him to not even ask for something but he could look while we were waiting for a friend
m: landon! it's time to go- i am leaving now.
l: okay! [speaking to the toys] goodbye! goodbye! i am going to miss you! and you! and you! and you! goodbye!! i will miss you the mostest [hugging some toy].

after an hour of trying to put him to bed, i went in for another time to get him to fall asleep by telling him a bedtime story.
m: once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named princess mommy.... [how all our stories begin]
l: with daddy dragon! not smaug, daddy will be the dragon!
m: and one day a mean dragon named daddy came and stole princess mommy up while she was baking cookies...
l: the cookies were in the oven! and they were hot!
m: the knight landon heard mommy's screams and put on his armor to rescue her.
l: and knight landon put on his booster and sword and sheild and helmet and breastplate
m: landon! if you don't stop interrupting me i won't tell you the story anymore.
l: alright i won't interrupt you again.
m: so then the knight landon got on his trusty steed....
l: no! he didn't get on his steed, he put on his booster and...
m: i'm done!
l: no i promise i won't interrupt you again.
m: [sigh] so the knight landon found the dragon's cave...
l: the dragon lived in a castle high in the sky! and princess mommy screamed...
m: i'm done!
seriously, he is the worst. he talks so much, so often and so fast! i swear i can't get him to shut up.

say what: landon part I

on my bff8's blog, she does a post called abbyisms and it is hilarious. landon, is not quite as gifted with the comical genius his mother is but he tries. here are a hodge-podge of funny things my little stinker
has said these days.

while getting ready for bed
l: mommy, what a beautiful necklace.
m: thank you, it's a gift from grandma shell.
l: i am going buy you a beautiful ring and necklace and i am going to marry you.
m: but i'm already married to daddy.
l: well i'll buy you another ring and you can marry me too.
{too bad polygamy is no longer practiced in the church. or incestuous relationships}

 while putting on his socks & foot creme - or every single time he has to lay down to get his diaper changed
l: don't put your enormous leg on me!
m: i don't have an enormous leg!
l: yes you do!
m: well YOU have an enormous leg.
l: no, i have a little leg. and your leg is enormous.
{i wouldn't really say enormous- maybe big boned or fluffy around the edges}

while getting everything ready to work out
m: landon, do you want to exercise with me?
l: yes!! let's get the exercise mat! i've got my exercise pants on! and my exercise boobies!

when he first woke up
m:  landon, come snuggle me
l: no!
m: please [insert sad face]
l: [laughs] no!!
m: fine, i won't get you breakfast.
l: i'll get my own breakfast out of the fridge.
m: um.... well i won't give you costco yogurt [gogurt]
l: [sigh] alright. [hugs me]- snuggles all done. where's my yogurt?

we have this conversation several times a dy- at the dinner table, at the gym, in the car- all. the. time.
l: i have a penis and a bum bum and daddy has a penis and bum bum and porter has a penis and bum bum. you just have a bum bum to push your pee pee out of.
m: no, mommy has a vagina.
l: you push pee pee out of your
gina. and i have a bum bum to push daddy poops out. [daddy poops are ginormous poops landon does about 3x a day]

while cleaning my pores out with a biore strip - landon was in the bath
l: what's on your nose mommy? toilet paper? is it a bandaid? what is it mommy??

as we're in the bathroom while he's pooping a particularly large dump
l: watch out mommy!! your hair is going to  blow away!!