say what

m: landon, you can have a sandwich for lunch. do you want a turkey or peanut butter one?
l: turkey. with peanut butter.
m: ugh, that's gross. no, you can have peanut butter OR turkey.
l: i want turkey. with the white peanut butter [he meant
miracle whip]

while on a walk
l: i want to be captain hook [we had just gone to the museum where a kid hogged the captain hook costume]
m: you mean for halloween?
l: yes. and daddy can be peter pan!
m: oh fun.
l: and you can be the crocodile! and EAT peter pan!
m: well what about brother?
l: he can be tinkerbell!
m: but porter is a boy! boys are tinkerbell- girls are
l: no no mom. he has to be tinkerbell- we need a tinkerbell so it's porter's job.

landon was just chatting away while i was blissfully ignoring him and trying to get things done
l: mommy, it's all my fault.
i drop everything that i'm doing and look around for the disaster
m: what? what?! where?! what's your fault?
l: it's the dragon mom, the bad dragon. he made a big mess.
dude was creating some imaginary situation then took blame for it. i do not get this kid.

landon was playing outside in the rain and i caught him digging into daddy's grass that he just seeded
m: landon! get inside! you can't dig up daddy's new grass like that.
l: oh mommy, i'm so sorry. i made a mistake. i'm so very sorry. i was trying to dig up the seeds.
m: why would you dig up the seeds? they need to be there to make the grass grow.
l: the bugs need a place to live- and they like big holes.

while sitting with my mom-  both of us venting about life
me: don
't you wish sometimes we could drink?
mom: no, but i wish sometimes we could shoot [people].

while at target in the toy aisle - i had told him to not even ask for something but he could look while we were waiting for a friend
m: landon! it's time to go- i am leaving now.
l: okay! [speaking to the toys] goodbye! goodbye! i am going to miss you! and you! and you! and you! goodbye!! i will miss you the mostest [hugging some toy].

after an hour of trying to put him to bed, i went in for another time to get him to fall asleep by telling him a bedtime story.
m: once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named princess mommy.... [how all our stories begin]
l: with daddy dragon! not smaug, daddy will be the dragon!
m: and one day a mean dragon named daddy came and stole princess mommy up while she was baking cookies...
l: the cookies were in the oven! and they were hot!
m: the knight landon heard mommy's screams and put on his armor to rescue her.
l: and knight landon put on his booster and sword and sheild and helmet and breastplate
m: landon! if you don't stop interrupting me i won't tell you the story anymore.
l: alright i won't interrupt you again.
m: so then the knight landon got on his trusty steed....
l: no! he didn't get on his steed, he put on his booster and...
m: i'm done!
l: no i promise i won't interrupt you again.
m: [sigh] so the knight landon found the dragon's cave...
l: the dragon lived in a castle high in the sky! and princess mommy screamed...
m: i'm done!
seriously, he is the worst. he talks so much, so often and so fast! i swear i can't get him to shut up.