what to talk about with a stay-at-home-mom

at this event i was forced to talk to an opinionated
republican and her ginormous boobs about
gun control

do you ever find yourself in a position where you're the lame duck? the one who no one wants to talk to/sit with? let's be honest, this does not happen to me often. i'm pretty fantastic and everyone knows it, including myself. but still, when i meet new people or i'm forced to make small talk with people i don't normally socialize with [ie. one of justin's many boring work events], i'm the weirdo. this is usually how it begins.


fancy person with a fantastic job and clothes that have no holes or food on it: hey there justin! how are you?

my handsome sailor who has kids but never looks homeless, unlike his wife: great! how are you? have you met my wife melissa?

frizzy haired mother of three whose excited to be out in public talking to grown up, even if she does have to wear spanx to be there: hi! i've heard a lot about you!
*this actual conversation doesn't show it, but i am super great at small talk. i can get people talking and liking me instantly. 

person who gets 8 hours of sleep reguarly and their alarm clock doesn't smack them in the face crying for milk and a show: hi! what do you do melissa?

woman wondering how many weight watcher points are in that small fancy brownie bite that will taste nothing like brownies and be an utter disappointment: i stay at home with my three boys.

shell-shocked and afraid person in three inch heels and looks comfortable in them: oh! that's nice....so justin what about those fancy pants polticial people we all know?
*like i said, not an actual conversation. politics is boring.

see! right there! that's how i become the leper in the room. and when i talk to people that already know i don't have a job, they ask one question about my kids and then don't talk about me the rest of the night. i mean, we talk and laugh because i am still awesome at conversing. but you have to realize, these people don't have kids. they might have one tolken neice who they spoil a couple times a year but that's not really their world, as is business is not mine. nothing is wrong with that! i'm glad people do that so i don't have to. i love staying at home, but still, i am a person. i have thoughts and experiences that are worth exploring. so here are some good conversation topics to talk about if we ever meet at a cocktail hour that only has nasty wontons and crab cakes.

how did you and your husband meet?
this is always fantastic! who doesn't love a good love story? especially since mine is the best. you only know my husband as a fancy pants in a suit and glasses but i knew his as a floppy haired football player. so it's nice to relive those memories. and see a different side of someone.

where did you go to school?
now, if someone didn't go to college, they'll just reply with their high school name and city. but if they did, they'll mention their college and what they studied. which will be a good jumping off point on why they chose that major and what their interested in. i majored in exercise science, which could lead to how i love coaching and one day want to teach at a school. see! i am educated!

did you hear about [insert a commonly known issue/occurance]? what's your take on it?
i don't read the news, but i do see what's trending on facebook. so there's a good chance i know some thing or another about that. like i said, just because i stay at home with kid's doesn't mean i'm dim. i'm just dirty.

so what do you like doing when you're not wrangling those crazy kids?
*i always love it when people mention how hard my job is and how they can't do it. because it is hard. and i couldn't do your job either

at this event we faked a child emergency right
after dessert was served so we could
hit the road - and the dessert was not
even good

don't ask me what my hobbies are. hobbies are things i don't have time for. but things i like to do are probably the same things you like to do, so we can talk about that. i like to workout, i love to read [although i doubt mr. lobbyist is into teen sci-fi but you never know]. i watch TV and movies [as long as they're at redbox].

what's your calling at church?*
*obviously for mormon folks only
political events are the not the only place people have a hard time talking to me. our home teacher came over the other night and had a hard time connecting with me, even though i'm awesome and hilarious. most likely, women in the church put their heart and soul into their callings, because it's one way of recieving outside confirmation of their coolness. i cannot tell you how great it makes me feel when our 8 year olds rave about my sharing time. it really makes me feel great. so 9 times out of 10, i bet if you ask what they do, they'd love to share how they serve and how much they love it. or hate it. but still, they're talking.

what are your three boys' names and what are they like?
there's nothing a mother likes more then talking about her kids. after vampire diaries of course. they are her job! she knows every single detail about them. and while you may not care about her kids, talking about them will help pass the time between entrees. kids are funny. kids do stupid and ridiculous things. kids are exhausting- and the stories that parents get from raising them are worth hearing about.

see! not that hard. i don't get it. i could honestly make conversation with anyone- and i have. if you can talk to a foreigner whose english is limited to the mcdonald's menu, then you can talk to anyone. people love to talk about themselves! ask one of these questions and use it as a jumping off point. that's how i've become facebook friends with several of justin's colleeges. what can i say? i'm awesome like that.