Friday, February 19, 2016

saddness & me

i felt like a real mom this day. wearing
the key to landon's heart, eating cold
mac and cheese while holding
my baby - photo cred: landon. 
i am no expert on depression but i do know my story.

depression runs deep in my family (as well as most horrible and chronic diseases). my grandma had it so bad she was institutionalized a couples time and even went through shock therapy (to no avail). i've always known it was something i would mos

t likely face in my life. because of that threat, i've always done things i knew would counteract that. i had a wide support group, i exercise regularly, and i get that vitamin d anytime i can. i've had some hard times in my life but i've always stayed above water. that is until i had my babies.
landon was an extremely hard baby and i was too busy with that and moving into our first home that i didn't have time to notice if i was depressed. living with my mom for a few months couldn't have hurt either. porter was a very good little baby but that baby blues hit me like a ton of bricks. i didn't really seek help until i was in the thick of things and at that point, i was on the downhill slide. still though, i had several friends who were extremely open about their journey and that was so helpful and empowering.

before i had griffin, i got on zoloft. i was already having a very stressful and trying year so i didn't want to be down at all with depression. and for the most part it worked. even near the final weeks of my pregnancy, i could tell the sadness was creeping in but i was having no part with it. up until griffin was 4 months old, i had no problems whatsoever. i was very thankful for my crazy pills! then i started to notice the side effects and they were much worse they became unbearable. so i started weaning, just as my dr got dropped from my insurance. then the weaning became unbearable so i stopped altogether at 5 months. and that was plain horrible. knowing now what i know, i wish i hadn't gone on pills at all. maybe it was the type of medicine i was on or maybe my PPD wasn't as bad as i thought but i really regret taking anything at all. nothing is wrong with medicine and i'm so happy for people who it works for but it wasn't working for me. i could have stayed on zoloft long term and been fine but i was determined to stop at 6 months and i really hope i don't have to ever go back on it again.

how lucky am i to get to snuggle these
two studs all the time?
during the thick of things, i didn't feel like me. i was short termed and angry and loud- things i don't usually get with my kids. i would be irrational and crazy. i felt like there was a bottomless pit of emptiness in myself that no amount of food or crying could fill. and it's really hard to talk about these things with people. i had made goals and i was doing all the things i could to keep myself swimming but i felt like i was drowning in sorrow. i shouldn't say felt- in the past tense. i still feel these things. some days i just pray and pray for heavenly father to help me get out of this hole. and then i do. i believe in the power of the atonement and i feel it in my life. i'm not out of it yet but i'm getting there.

things that have been helpful to me- exercise. my friend meghan has often said she can see a difference in me when i can start going back to the gym post-baby. prayer. scripture study. naps. taking a break away from my kids. slurpees- although that's not a very positive way to cure things but it really helps, even if it is all mental. friends- especially friends. i am a person who needs women. and thankfully i am blessed with so many great friends in my life. i have around 10 best friends- can you believe that? i totally do. and i love them all so much because they all help me in different ways [and i hope i help them too].

i know this won't last forever and i'm really hoping it won't last long. i'm ready to feel normal again. it will come. right now, i'll just concentrate on me and my babies and my husband. everything else will fall into place.

*update: i wrote this a while back and i'm glad to say i've coming back to normal. 6 months is usually my benchmark and i'm glad to have made it. it took maybe about a month of terrible, withdrawls. not sure i would do zoloft again*
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Amanda said...

I'm so sorry! I must admit that I don't have much personal experience with depression but my friend quit smoking when she got pregnant and had to go on medication for her depression. I could totally see a change in her and it was heartbreaking. I don't feel I had PPD with Chance but with Coleman I did and I honestly had no idea how to deal with it. And then I felt selfish and ungrateful if I ever admitted that I was having a hard time. It's just hard. I will stop rambling now haha love you!

Kari said...

Depression runs in my family as well and my mom had to go on medication with her pregnancies. I find that I am constantly doing everything I can to counter depression/anxiety myself because I know from watching my mom and what she's told me, and from studying it for my major, that the side affects of the meds are terrible. Exercise, reading, friends, and family really help me too.

I guess the whole point of that is to say that while I don't know exactly what you're going through, I'm familiar with the situation. And I'm sorry. It's terrible and I applaud you for being open about it, because it is hard to talk about. I pray that those crazy hormones and stresses of life ease up and that you find yourself having more good days than bad!!

Caitlin said...

im sorry you have been having such a hard time, but i'm so glad you are out of the woods. i haven't been this way with andy, but i was bad with madalyn and super bad while pregnant. and its awful. parenting is so hard, and i'm glad you are feeling happier again so you don't have that to add to it. love ya puffs!

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