Friday, April 19, 2013

new perspective on the baby clinging all over me and the husband who left me alone

last weekend was a hard weekend for me. i feel like my new and improved carson attitude is finally waning after 2 1/2 months. i'm getting sore then going half speed at the gym, justin is gone all the time [he's gone by 7am then home around 9pm, plus weekends he's out of town], and being alone without friends and family is really getting to me. i feel like we're out of things to do and no one to do them with, so we're bored most of the time [which means i'm shopping and eating more then i should]. just feeling very sorry for myself.

i had called my mom and was just chatting. she asked about landon and remarked that he was so clingy to me bc we are so isolated here and we basically only have each other for 6 months. that led me on a complaining tirade on how dependent he is- not for normal baby stuff. he always has to be held [which isn't easy when he's a solid 27lbs], always whining at my legs for something whether i'm cooking/peeing/cleaning. even as i type this [one handed] he had to climb on my lap and have me hold him. it's just a constant need for my attention and the only thing he likes to do alone is walk outside [esp by busy streets] or in crowded areas where there are baby-snatchers galore].

as you can tell, i went on for a while complaining then i realized, this is just a phase. he will only be this needy for a few years, probably less. he won't always easily hold my hand or give me kisses. he'll one day hate to be seen with me in public or even want to be physically close. these moments are numbered and they should be cherished. esp once we have more kids. he's only a little boy for such a short time so i need to love it- and take it all- and enjoy these moments.

which led me to another revelation. justin was gone this weekend on [another] brocation with bf steven [really, they're bromance is one for the books. and is quite sickening] to san jose this weekend. it marked the forth weekend he's been gone so far [two in a row] and with my deteriorating mood, it's been really tough for me. since he's gone a lot i've been feeling bitter about his absence [even though i didn't care too much when he asked. i mean, i made him beg and work for it- bartered foot rubs, a date and temple night]. later as i was blogstalking, i came across something that changed my attitude about this as well. it sucks that i'm alone right now, but i really am glad that justin and i have separate interests. that we can go away from each other for a while, not really ca
re, then come back with new stories and enjoy each other. it's good for couples to have something they're passionate about that's separate from their spouse. it keeps them alive, happy, and engaged. before session when justin was working from home, i went CRAZY because he was home all of the time. this too, shall pass. he won't always be gone for work all of the time and he too needs a break to enjoy life. and even if he's passion comes in the form of steven [masked thinly as a love for basketball and golf], i need to support and love this side of him. which i do.

so moral of the story- call your mom and blogstalk.
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Caitlin said...

If I lived closer to Carson, or if I was rich and could afford a plane ticket, or really if the stupid Ministry didn't ban me from all magical object for 6 months because I tried to transport a muggle I met that wanted to be with her family in China (i was going to erase her memory)then I would come and be your friend some weekends.

Hang in there! Love you!

Kari said...

Even though I only know you through Caitlin and blog-stalking, I wish I was around to do stuff with you! I know how you're feeling with 90% of this post and I'm glad you're finding you things to help you change your attitude and get through it. I could use that positive outlook right now.

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