Monday, April 22, 2013

so this one time in china town...

*don't almost all good stories start in china town?*
when i went to vegas last week, i came in on one of my best friend's birthdays. holly and i met in our ward. her daughter charlotte is not only one of the prettiest little should-be-the-next-models ever but is landon's age so they've been playing together since they were 3 months. they love each other.... well they at least are really used to each other. i really dropped the ball last year on her birthday so this year we were going to make it fabulous - as fabulous as her.

i scoured groupon for an awesome pedi/massage/activity for us to do for her birthday and found an amazing 60 minute foot massage with hot stones. sounds amazeballs right? we found the chop shop and it instantly felt weird. we had it in our minds that we'd be in thrones like a nail salon with a little jacuzzi tub where we could gossip for an hour. it was more of a large room with 8 massage benches where you put your feet in a bucket of water then get covered by a towel. i had a nice larger asian gentleman who started my foot massage by rubbing my face. then my eyes and nose then scalp. then he pushed my shirt off my shoulders and gave me a neck/back massage, which was highly unexpected and a little surprising but nice. that was where it all went wrong. this dude proceeded to violate me. basically the foot massage should have been advertised as a clothes-on massage with tons of people in one room with non-licensed masseurs. don't worry, he pushed my clothing aside to rub me at times [like my lower back]. it was just awkward to get your armpits rubbed when you were expecting a footmasage. in fact, i think he spent the least amount of time on my feet. i got a whole body massage there [ if you'd call it that. it was horribly rough and hard.....twss]. i'd say the most awkward of times was when he was pressing down onto the top of my thighs, angling his body like he was the little mermaid on her rock when the water crests up behind her. well, at least that's how i pictured it; my eyes were covered with another towel.

the whole time this was happening i had these kind of thoughts. 'at what point is it acceptable to scream 'rape' and tell him to stop touching my pelvic bones [because he was literally on those bones which is way to near my chacha]?'. 'i wonder how much he gets paid to violate unsuspecting women every day? it's got to get old right?'. 'if he presses any harder i think i might scream out in pain. and that would be so awkward with a 250lbs harley man lying right next to me'. 'did he just fart? i'm pretty sure he just farted.... yep! there it is again. how can he fart so close to my face?'. 'if this were justin i think he would literally have a cow. i'm about to have a cow with him touching me all these weird places [i've been trying to convince justin to get a massage for years and he's not comfortably with weirdos touching his body]'. 'oh my gosh i am going to sustain 3rd degree burns from these stupid rocks. then when i go to the hospital, i'm going to have a hard time explaining why i had scorching hot rocks on my legs/feet'. 'i don't see why he needs to put his fingers in my ears. really, i should not be held accountable if your fingers come out waxy dude'.

the second we walked out of the shop, holly and i just looked at each other [imagine disheveled clothes and hair askew] then busted up laughing. i kept telling her i felt violated and duped - like when some boy takes advantage of you in the backseat of a car [or in my case, when you take advantage of the boy you've had a crush on for 7 years]. i couldn't stop laughing. it was the weirdest thing that's ever happened to my body. which is saying a lot because i had a baby and having your water break is probabley the creepiest but most satisfying thing in the whole world [i felt like i was a never-ending geiser of liquid]. at least we followed it up with delicious good food at yardhouse. happy birthday my fabulous friend!
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1 comment:

Caitlin said...

Hahahaha! That is awful! I would not have like it one bit.

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