Thursday, December 29, 2011

watch out 'oprah's book club'; there's a new narcissistic

ohemgee how have i not started this segment yet? kind of ironic in the not-even-close-to-being-ironic-alanis-morrisette-"ironic" sort of way. now that i'm a part-time stay at home mom i have even less time to read yet i couldn't wait to blog about my newest book. seriously, i devoured each chapter the past month and a half [i snail-pace read now sometime in the 10 minutes i use to use the facilities/brush teeth/take pills/bath/read conference talks/lotion up my bod each night] and let me tell you, what a beyonce* this book is.
*anyone notice what i'm trying to do here? follow along if you're beyonce enoguh

sure, i've read "bossypants" and thought it a gem, jenny mccarthy's mommy books were a hoot too but mindy takes the cake and eats it, my friends. so i've decided to start a new segment
turn off the boob tube and read....
"is everyone hanging out without me? (and other concerns" 
by mindy kaling
enjoy my friends. for this particular book [and don't expect too many book reviews at that these days] i've decided to turn all narcissistic on you and turn some of her chapter headings into insightful chatter about my life. as the premiere stalker of mindy's twitter feed, i feel like i can call her one of my best friends so as her best friend, i approve this posting.

a little about the author: mindy is a writer, director, and awesome actor on the office. oh, and she's a pop sensation with her musical group, subtle sexuality. her hit "male prima donna" rocked my world and is justin's ring tone.

forget nothing: a sensitive kid looks back: 
chubby for life: mindy talked about how she doesn't quite fit into the hollywood mold of stick thin or fabulously fat but is a normal, size 8 american woman. and while im bigger than an 8, i too suffer from the forever-fat syndrome. i'm no edna turnblad and i'm def not kate moss so im somewhere in the middle- and im okay with that [and by that i mean my pre-pregnancy bod, not this model with the spare tire wrapped around my belly]. i'm embraced my doughnut while eating my fair share of donuts. 
don't peak in hs: thankfully i don't have this problem bc again, i fell into the middle ground where i had some awesome friends but was mostly ignored by the cool kids.
is everyone hanging out without me? (or, how i made my first real friend): this is actually a legitimate fear of mine- i hate it when people have fun without me. whether its when my fam goes to a movie or my utard friends have a party with me 400 miles away- its just the worst. i just hate missing all the fun, which i think i got from my gma helen.

i love new york and it likes me okay: 
the exact level of fame i want: mindy said she didn't want the paris hilton-paps-in-my-face level of fame but something less. for me, i'd like to one day be famous enough to eat at places for free [heidi's would soon go out of business], get my slurpees for free, or anything else where i get free food- i'd be totally ok with being that famous enough. so rebecca black status.
best friend rights and responsibilities: some things a best friend must name a few
a- text you back asap when you send her a pic of your outfit to tell you if it works or if it makes you look fat
b- play interference with people at parties when you forget their names by introducing themselves "hi, i'm caitlin...and you are...."
c- come over asap when you get the new twilight/hp/lotr movie to watch several times within a 24 hours period
d- fight with you over who pays the check- take a turn people!

hollywood: my food friend who is also a little embarrassing:
how i write: mindy is a fan of writing in bed- me, i'll do it whenever, whereever [TWSS]. and yes that's homage to my favorite office character.
the day i stopped eating cupcakes: blashemy. she actually tells a hilarious story of a cupcake eatery owner trying to pay her in cupcakes to endorse their story. she refrained...i most likely would not. i'm one big cheapskate.

the best distraction in the world: romance and guys: 
"hooking up" is confusing: i agree- the first thing i learned once in utah is that people like to walk places. and the second thing i learned is that the bases i knew did NOT mean the same to my utah friends. so let's just get this out of the way. 1st is kissing, 2nd is over the clothes, 3rd is under the clothes and 4th is the whole enchilada. there. that settles it.
men and boys: mindy talked about how boys will steal their parents toilet paper or sleep on futons while  men pay when they go out to dinner with their parents or wear collared tshirts. personally, i'd like to think there never comes a day when i don't steal from my parent's pantry- it just wouldn't feel right.
in defense of chest hair: let's hear it for the real men, shall we! i like my men to be even more low maintenance then me and i'm as low as you can get...looks-wise. in other categories, i'm def not. so i'm ok if justin rewears the same pair of jeans for 2 weeks straight bc then i know i'm at least a little more prim then him.
married people need to step it up: amen sister. i've got some real beef with my married friends. a- stop being so lame and b- what do you have against having FRIENDS? too many married people are lame and only hang out with each other. not that i don't love justins company but i've been with him for 7 years and will be for eternity.... so ya, i enjoy hanging out with others. what i don't get is when couples say they want couple friends but then totally ignore your text or ditch on plans. are you really too good to play apples to apples with us? no, i don't think so. no one is too good for that, no one.
oh and be more interesting on your blogs and fb. really.

my appearance: the fun and the really not fun:
these are the narcissistic photos in my blackberry: so who doesn't have a buttload of these? she showed some unedited pics and i completely lurved them. sadly i tend to delete my narcissistic pics but these are the gems i got on my phone now which actually were buried deep. mostly i have pics of landon now.

my all-important legacy: 
strict instructions for my funeral: i've asked my mom several times what she wants when she dies and she always gives the same answer "i don't want a funeral- just throw me in the back of a van and take me up to blanding". my dad wants to be buried in a wooden box [and has even offered to take the bottom and share a coffin with my mom] we've used for years for halloween. me, i'd like everyone to wear shades of pink. in case you don't know, since i am LDS i'll be buried in my white temple clothing so naturally, i'd like everyone else to wear my favorite color. bling out my body and put a tiara on me [because you can only wear a tiara when youre a little girl or senile. or in my case, dead]. hand out coke slurpees and cheetos puffs. don't let anna sing- she will insist but do not let her, under any circumstances. i'd like everyone to go around saying how awesome i was and show a lot of pictures of me looking fabulous- anything where i'm fat or ugly and i will come back to haunt you.

so seriously people- get this book. or get it from the library like me, the cheapo.

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1 comment:

Sam and Caitlin Tappana said...

You totally made me want to read this book! And I know how you feel about being left out with friends. I feel that too. I hate when people are having fun and I'm not included, even if it's impossible for me to be included. And that is why we are BFF8s. (well that and many other reasons)

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