snippets of a zobrist childhood

i'd like to think my childhood was unique...quite atypical to say the least. my dad is extraordinarily one-of-a-kind and my mother is a saint in training, so these two were bound to produce haphazard results in their home. some things i thoroughly plan on passing to my children (the magic christmas tree- see below) and others (see everything else below)...not so much. so for your reading pleasure, i present to you

zobristisms

¤ a zobrist child must instigate a food fight during dinner. this is a time honored rite of passage. mine involved butter. it usually starts begin targeted at alan but soon grows to involve the whole family. justin and i have already started this tradition as you can see.

¤ want to leave your bra around the house? that's fine. but it's bound to end up on our street signs, flying in the wind. or around the rear view mirror on a truck. heck, it might end up there even if you don't leave it about. this is often referred to as the flying purple bird anomaly.

¤ leftovers are for the chickens. that's why the chicken bucket was invented. that, and for collecting chicken eggs.

¤ when potential suitors approach the zobrist compound, hoping to date one of the girls, the suitor is given an application. he is asked for his SS#, references, intentions he has for the girl in question, and others ("if a chicken is crossing the road across from the zobrist house and a dog walks by, what time is it?)

¤ horse troughs have multiple purposes. aside from the obvious, they are perfect size hot-tubs, or more aptly put, cold tubs for lounging around. don't worry- no cleaning necessary.
 
¤ christmas is a time of frenzy and fantasy. esp when you have a magic christmas tree.
   

instructions: buy a magic christmas seed from a magical traveller (or use a avocado pit- whatevs). plant the seed and check on it hourly. it will rapidly grow into a little branch (that resembles our bushes), then a small bush (which looks awfully like a tree branch) then poof! you have a tree! in only 4 hours! quite magical in deed. make sure to show it with lots of kisses.

¤ IMPORTANT: a coke + 2 candy bars ≠ $100.

¤ when killing a chicken, make sure you chop it's head completely off. lesson learned: young trey tagliaferri who was a little chicken (pun intended) who made the chicken 'nearly headless'.

¤ cursing is NOT to be had in the zobrist household. if will result in getting your mouth washed out with soap and/or hot sauce. EXCEPTION: alan or rachelle.

¤ square-head, noonie, rb, pineapple, priss, bubblebutt, mother hen, moglie and awn are actually endearing nicknames. learn to love them.

¤ be scared of the belt. or in nate's (or is it josh?) case, the wooden spoon.

¤ sometimes working in freezing temperatures, cutting up raw chicken with people who don't speak english can teach you valuable life lessons. but more often than not, it doesn't. actually, it never teaches you anything.

¤ dogs come in gaggles. cats are expendable (thanks dad). dead animals get tree memorials. birds are freezable/microwavable/drunk-able. tarantulas likes windex. cows make great leather couches. snakes enjoy shower drains.  and horses look best against plexiglass surrounded by choline water.


this is just a preview of what's to come. as i started writing this list, i realized it would make a great gift for the 'rents bc a- its costs nothing b- its hilarious when you understand it and c- nothing says love like shoving past parental indiscretions in their face.

keep this on the dl from the 'rents