Saturday, August 29, 2015

a heart full

i remember writing one of these posts a while ago but i couldn't find it- oh well. just deal people. i could call this the opposite of a mel's meandering because my heart is just so full of gratitude and love. granted, i am hoped up on about 5 different medicines so that might have something to do with it. either way, i am feeling very thankful.

2015 has been a tough year for us. i found out i was pregnant at christmas and it's been a whirlwind 8 months ever since. justin left me for carson city in january and i was a single mother through all the horrible morning sickness. justin got home in june and we bought a house at the beginning of july. moved out at the end of july and moved in at the beginning of august. then had a baby two weeks later! it's been a year full of change, full of happiness and a lot of hard times as well. i feel like this year, more then ever, i've been dependent on other's for help. my friends to watch my kids for appointments, family to help out in between, and church friends for support. i feel like i am constantly asking others for help and hardly offering any support in return. it's not a good feeling to feel in debt to another. as much as i've tried, i still cannot repay my friends for how much they've helped me out this year.

i remember a quote from somewhere/someone that basically said that we need to accept help and let others serve us because if we don't, we are denying them an opportunity to receive some blessings. too often, especially as women, we want to do for others but have a hard time accepting that help from others. i am no saint but i have asked several different friends, several different times if i could take their kids or bring them meals or stop by and visit and hardly anyone takes me up on it. granted, there are times when you really don't want or need help but i think it's more then that- we don't want to impose, we don't want to be a burden or be indebted to another.

this year i've had friends help me out in several ways:
- watch my kids for doctor appointment, house appointments, temple visits or nights out
- drop off treats when i'm having a bad day
- bring me a meal because they knew i was having a hard time being a single mom
- drive my kids places or take them to the park
- watch my kids so i could take a nap/have alone time
- clean my DIRTY house top to bottom without asking [i even refused help! i'm so glad she didn't listen]
- move my packed house
- help me get my house 'staged and clean' for potential buyers to come view
- comment on my blog with uplifting words
- help me pack my house and watched my kids while i packed boxes
- bring me cookies
- call/text/email for a much needed girl chat
- suggest books and articles that have helped me with specific needs i was having

can you see how i have felt burdensome? but i am so grateful for these helping hands and thoughtful hearts. and i can't wait to help them in their times of need.

that being said, i battled some moderate post-partum depression after i had porter so this time i got on medication because i delivered griffin. it was really hard to ask for help last time and try to find some relief from those overwhelming feelings. i had a couple friends who i confided in and helped me figure life out. their stories and suggestions were such a gift to me - and it couldn't have been easy to open up like that. griffin is still less then two weeks old so i'm not through the depression storm yet but i am determined to get through it better this time. by asking for help, by taking medication, and by doing the things daily that anchor me [daily scripture study and prayer, priesthood blessings, exercise, visiting friends, eating healthy, gratitude journal, goal setting and sunshine].

i feel like six months is the mark- when you finally feel like you've got a hold on things, when you're comfortable with your baby/body/breastfeeding, when you finally feel like yourself again. that's also when my depression cleared up last time. i want to be able to look back on my blog and read about the good times so i can get through the tough ones. i had an institute teacher who gave this advice about marriage but works also in this case: store away the good memories so when you're going through tough times, you can look back and relieve the happier moments.

consider these my treasured moments from the past days:
- seeing justin come into the OR to hold my hand before griffin was born
- hearing griffin's voice and knowing he was here and healthy
- seeing justin hold our little baby for the first time
- landon's excitement over getting a new little brother and his worry over my well being
- porter's face when he finally saw me and his constant snuggles. he is such a snuggle worm!
- the look on my mom's face as he saw griffin and the love i know she has for me
- the constant texts from my sisters worried about me and the baby
- coming home from the hospital and finally being at home with all my boys
- the texts and well wishes from friends
- the offerings of help from friends
- the meals! thank heaven for the meals!
- hearing landon talk about how much he loves griffin and porter. he constantly wants to kiss/hold/pat his back
- looking at my three boys and realizing what an enormous responsibility and blessing it is to be their other
- seeing my saggy body and knowing that i created a human. how amazing are our bodies!
- justin taking the boys on fun outings during the day so i can nap and have some quiet time with griffin
- justin chasing the boys at the trampoline park and working up a sweat

these are just a few of my treasured moments. i truly feel blessed and loved by my friends and family.
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KinderTeach said...

I know it's hard for any of us to accept help. Baby sister, you are so often the first one to reach out to your friends and give them help. You have taken so many meals to people, been that friend to someone who just needed to see a smiley face, always the one to serve. It speaks so loudly to the service that you have done to others by the service that has been coming your way for the past month. You are an incredible woman who is always looking to help out more. I'm glad there is someone watching to see what help you need.

Caitlin said...

I'm going to have to remember what good old brother goodman (was that his name? It sounds wrong...I just remember his 'pallow talk' and weird hand movements) said about keeping up a storage of happiness for when I'm struggling too. I'm glad you are adjusting well and keeping things positive. I worry so much i'll be in the dark place after we have baby just like i was with madalyn and I definetly don't want to be that bad ever again!!

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