Friday, August 12, 2011

i like 'em trashy

when it comes to anything trashy, i am there. want someone to help you steal pizza from an all-you-can-eat buffet? i've got the giant boho bag with ziplocs inside. need some red lipsticks to match your holey fishnets & stripper heels? have the pair off my 3-days of non-shaved legs. and when it comes to celebutaunt drama- i am your go-to-guru. so considering the source, i think it quite ironic i am hating on this weeks 'ok' magazine edition of all things paparrazi.

one friend so lovingly called me the queen of pop culture [not quite- but thank you. maybe next time you'd like to dub me 'princess of all things peculiar' or 'queen of awesome'? just some suggestions] and i'd like to live up to that name. as  your self-designated ruler of trash, i'd love to comment for a few minutes on the atrocities of this week's edition of gab. that being said, you don't read gems like 'ok', 'people', or 'star' hoping to get accurate information. you do it for the same reason i sometimes leave the blinds open when i get dress - it feels oh so good to know you're not alone [disclaimer for my husband: that's not true. disclaimer for my fans: it's so true].

first of all, i'd like to ask the audience some questions.
-do you have thick hair? [as a horse- thank you mom!]
-a round, full & wrinkle-free face? [yes. and some fancy occasion chin-hairs too- thanks mom]
-are your boobs a size c or bigger? [since 1999]
-have some extra fluff in your midsection? [since 1986]
-have some womanly curves on those bones of yours? [see above q]

well then congratulations! you're pregnant! it's actually quite nice for 'ok' to take the guesswork out of life. i have a good friend who is [better be] trying to conceive currently. so now i can just give her this simple quiz to find out if their attempts are working. who really has time to monitor your period or take a costly pregnant test? not me. that's why i buy my pregnancy tests at dollar store.l

and what's up with shiloh jolie-pitt? i remember when angelina [aka the tramp who broke up brannifer who i can't help but love] and brad pitt got pregnant. this baby was supposed to break all molds of beauty, which she is a cute little girl. but why does she dress like a little boy? i understand liking motorcycles or baggy pants, but come on! someone spread some pink glitter across her cheeks and sign her up for 'high school musical' camp! speaking of all things vane, why did r.pattison chop off his moppy-flop and turn it into this nast lopsided flop of ugliness? he has a reputation of edward cullen to uphold. and he is not making the cut.

in a related note of nastiness, what is mr. face tattoo doing to this poor pigeon? honestly, if i was gonna mack on a bird [disclaimer: i have], i wouldn't do it with a pidgeon. there's just so many prettier birds. may i suggest kevin from 'UP'- he is actually a she.

another thing that caught my eye was the big scuttle of 'should cities ban texting while walking?'. honestly, this is a very legit question. i have on more then once twice several occasions had some texccidents while being mobile. i've walked into lamp posts, AC units, fell off sidewalks and even got pregnant while texting [ put that on the side of a cell-phone and you'd see a defiantly decrease in texts at a high school football game]. but since i am my father's daughter, i'd never let the man take the freedom of looking like an idiot away from me. no mr. usama-obama. not today.

speaking of my desire to never be alone, read this reader's most stumping quandary.

really? the worst thing to you is the fact your boyfriend likes to be nude? don't you remember 'failure to launch's' naked room? i for one am all for au naturel moments in life. not that clothes don't serve it's purpose [ie. avoid awkward situations when your visiting teachers come over] in life but it never hurts to let the puppies fly, if you know what i mean.

 and this has been an episode of 'things i really did not want to know about mel's life'. until next week...good luck and good night.

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KinderTeach said...

Speaking of naked, Tay is in the I've seen Alan naked and LIVED club!

Sam and Caitlin Tappana said...

Hahaha!! This is great. So is your blog. You should make mine as cute as yours. Mine is so ls.

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