the many adventures of the honeymoon-ing harrisons

so in order to best tell the story of our honeymoon, ive decided to compose little stories. that way my fans can just skip over the sections that seem boring to them. dont worry, no offense here i skim over your blogs!













the time we got a crappy motel and almost got a venereal disease

so we got to florida super late and was extra grumpy bc our taxi (my virginal ride, mind you) cost $50- which was redonk. we check into our hotel, only to find that cockroaches and lady of the nights are their main clientele (not really, but i am quite the dq). so we decided to head out into the twilight for the beach, which we knew from the website was .5 miles away- well, ya, .5 miles away, if you go through the private resorts. otherwise it's basically as long as the long dark road to mordor. we were so grumpy by the time we found it, but it was awesome- i dipped my little piggies into the titanic graveyard water- my first time in the atlantic! we basically hiked up the beach for-evs to find a way home (which , sidenote, walking on the beach forevs is not as romantic as it is physically exhausting on your feet bc you sink in the sand). we ended up walking through a private hotel and pretending like we owned the place so they wouldnt suspect we were cheapies. that night we got a humugo pizza, garlic rolls, coke, dunkin donuts, and ice cream shakes (oink oink) to round out the night. [here we are enjoying the beautiful atlantic ocean]

the time we almost became mexican citizens
we booked a tour to the mayan ruins in cozumel and were way nerdily excited to learn some history. before we left the bus, our tour guide pounded 2pm in our heads as the time we were leaving. so we go to the front of the park, i was humped by a large dinosaur insect (and paid $5 for the pic), we spotted a fellow mormon (wearing a Y hat), then went to the site. it was AMAZING but disgustingly hot and humid (98% in 98 degree weather = death) we stayed with the boring tour guide as long as possible but at the end, did our own thing. we saw the amazing ruins, went to the beach then went SHOPPING! we gorged ourselves on authentic, home-grown mexican then shopped out hearts desire out til 2. only to find that the buses were GONE! we start running (i'm in a bathing suit, mind you, so this was not an easy task) to the tour guides and they start freaking out- they said the bus had just left so we start running down the road, and one guy tells us to get in his car so he can take us to it. so we cram into this tiny tuna-can of a car, only to stop and get gas, then barrel down the road. i started freaking out when i saw he was going 120, only to realize that was it was kph, not mph. still, thats 80 mph! with no seatbelts. i was silently freaking out and justin was just chillin, taking pics. we eventually found the bus, waved it over to the side of the road, and shamefully got on. i guess at the end of the tour they announced they were leaving 10 min early- thanks for the heads up! [here we are taking a picture with the $5 giant dinosaur insect, gaspar speeding down the highway at 120 kph, and us finally reaching our bus]

the time we met the couple we aspire to be
since we were without internet and couldnt blogstalk and fbs our fans, we had to do SOMETHING. this resulted in us physically stalking the awesomest oldest couple eva! they wore 3 different matching outfits a day; everything matched. hat, bracelet, shoes, accessories, clothes, bag, everything- we were so enthralled. they are everything we hope to one day be. we suspect they are professional cruisers, you know, hop from one boat to another with each week. they were definite attention grabbers- if there was music, they would get up and dance, no matter where they were. i wish we could have taken a pic of every outfit but here's what we got. [sry, cant figure out how to move them closer together- we finally got to meet them one night- awesome!]

the time we zip lined in costa rica

costa rica was AMAZINGLY beautiful, stinkin hot and humid, but gorgeous! so lush, so green. we got to shop and walk around the city for about 2 hrs before our tour so we shopped and saw how these people lived. just broke your heart to realize how little they have and how much we take for granted. we met another fellow mormon store-owner here; spotted by his chastity pamphlet (in english) and his liahona. the rainforest was soo beautiful but crawling with nastiness. ants as big as waffles, no joke. one fell on me. people kept getting stuck on the lines due to their enormous amount of idiocy so we had to wait over an hour but once we were up, it was amazing. justin is scared of heights but after the 1st 2 platforms, he was great. i, on the other hand, screamed like a girl. not because i was scared, but bc im a screamer. well, i guess i was a little scared. i kept getting turned around so im going backwards, superfast into a tree. i just kept thinking of my hs anatomy teacher mr. aten who shattered his leg, ziplining, in costa rica. it was so much fun though. the best part of the trip.

the time justin became a super-star and fell in love with another man
every night the ship did a huge production, usually a singing/dancing show but sometimes a comedian. one night we had a hypnotist, so naturally, us newlyweds volunteered. justin immediately went under, i did not. so instead of announcing to the hundreds of people there, i just acted (thank you shakespearean festival circa 1999). i was told to sit back in the audience and wait til i won a car a-la-'the price if right'. i ran up 2x, quite the embarrassment. so sitting in the audience, i got a front row seat to justins hypnosis. he was told he was in love with the beauty queen (who sat next to him) and had to slap himself every time he had a dirty thought about him. yes, the queen was a man. and in fact, a real queen (we had lots of GLB 'friends of dorthy' on the ship). it was hilarious and a little disturbing how justin admired this guys. he even played with his hair. and slapped himself. the next morning, justin got recognized everywhere- it was hilarious. but his shining star was soon eclipsed by mine (keep reading). [sry, no pic. i know, epic fail]

the time i became like a virgin
after dinner one night, we rushed to karaoke. 'like a virgin' is my signature karaoke jam so i was way anxious to sing it. when we got there, they were having a contest of who could sing MY song the best. everyone blew but i wasnt about to get up there, due to my immense stage fright and the large audience. well, justin took matters into his own hands and volunteered me. so i went up, i shook my groove thing and rocked it til canada day. after they had us all up there and the judges a-la-american idol, voted me! score! until they announced i had to perform in the legends show the last night of the cruise. in front of the whole cruise ship. i. almost. died. i was shaking so bad. so yes, after rehearsals and dress-rehearsals, i performed 'like a virgin' in front of hundreds and hundreds of people on stage, in a wig, costume, makeup, backup dancers (4 men in tiny cutoffs and a black tank top with an M on it)- the whole shebang. it was fun, but deathly horrifying at the same time.

the time we were part of a rumble in panama
we were way excited for panama! we wanted esp to visit sona and meet the schofield/burrow brothers (prison break reference) but alas, no deal. we didnt want to spend any more $ on an excursion and figured we could walk the streets and shop like we did in costa rica. well, we got off the boat (much like nelly furtado) and the city was all factories, the water was murky, no beaches in sight. the dock was only a few shops (with the same crap) so we talked to one of the million cockroaches trying to take us on their taxi to the canal. he said he'd take us around for $50 but we wanted to think about it. so we walked around and another guy started talking to justin (in spanish), trying to take us somewhere. well, the first guy saw this and came over and this started a rumble, a-la- sharks and jetts style. but scarier. in a 3rd world country. all of the taxi drivers started closing in on us, yelling and fighting with each other, screaming in spanish. it got so bad the military cops had to come over and break it up! i was terrified, clinging to justin for dear life. i guess the original guy had cut in line or whatever so they got pissed. well, we left and i was so scared, just shaking. too scared to cry. well, due to this and what they said, we couldn't even leave the port bc it was so dangerous. so panama was the lamest of the lames. we ended up back on the boat by 11 and slept the day away. at least we got to meet a monkey. with a diaper no less.