Wednesday, April 5, 2017

a new purpose

dear blog,

i'm sorrry i've neglected you. it's been a month - over a month actually. how in the world have i let my most prized possession go to the wayside? well, a combination of things really.

my husband is gone. all the time. and when he is home, it's harder in different ways. this time, session has been harder on him [whereas last session i was the one hobbling along] and porter especially. he is such a daddy's boy and justin is such a porter's boy. still though, a missing husband means i've taken up more duties while justin has to work more hours. it's not fair on either one of us but it's how it is. you know how when you lie in bed at night, you can just talk to your spouse about any and everything that crosses your mind and you feel 100% connected? we have the opposite of that. facetiming a few minutes at the end of long, stressful days for both of us has taken a toll on our relationship and our family. only a few more months to go! you'd think after years of being together and so much time spent apart, we'd know how to do a long distance relationship but sadly, no. it's still the worst thing in the world.

and then there's my depression. i've had good days, better days, and then some terrible no good days. i'm on some new drugs that help me in some ways and i'm grateful for that. thankfully i've had more and more good days lately. that's another reason why i've been MIA - a good reason.

i have found a purpose. i know, how crazy does that sound? i love being a mother. it is MY purpose. it's why i wake up and when i'm not doing it, i am missing it all. still though, i need more. i've wanted more but had no idea what. i've thought of things, pondered and prayed, searched and researched; still nothing. then in a moment of need, an idea came to me.

that seed was planted and it grew. then i got excited and started looking into it. and then i found myself excited and planning. i talked to some people and they encouraged me. i made plans. i talked to my husband. i made up a flyer and it was done.

i'm running a summer camp. and then i'm teaching preschool. well... i hope to at least.

i recently started coaching landon's soccer team. i've coached several times in the past and i realized that is when i am the happiest. i love coaching! that's why i chose to study exercise science in college. i have always wanted to coach and now i was doing it. and i'll get a whopping $40 for the whole 4 months. yipee! i couldn't figure out how i could make money coaching and stay at home with my kids. then my favorite summer preschool teacher got pregnant and couldn't teach the summer. i thought of doing a co-op with friends but honestly, i don't trust people to do it at the caliber i'd do it at [snotty much??]. that's when it hit me. i could do a summer camp. i could make money doing it. i could teach preschool. i could do it for several years and still be there for my kids.

i've always loved teaching my kids. it's something i've got a natural talent for. i've never been a huge fan of kids though. honestly the thought of babysitting for people makes me anxious and very depressed. but i constantly offer to do it for my friends and once i get through it, i realize it's not as bad as i thought. but i love my kids. so so much. and coaching kids? i love that! teaching kids in primary? so much fun! babysitting? no way jose! i honestly can't see the difference between it all but that's how it is.

i'm terrified. not that i can't do it. i KNOW i can do it. and i KNOW i can do it well. but i don't have a teaching degree. i don't have a license. i don't have grass. how am i going to do this? thankfully i have an amazing kindergarten teacher who is a wonderful resource and huge help. i have a mother who taught for years and is the greatest teacher i know. i've been given things and bought educational tools for years. i KNOW how to talk and teach kids. i KNOW how to do this. but what i don't have is confidence. what if people don't sign up? what if they don't think i'm worth the money? what if they are disappointed in how i teach? what if they want someone with actual teaching experience? what if i really can't cut it? and what in the world do i do with griffin?

answers are coming. answers will keep coming. i trust in heavenly father and i feel like this is what i should be doing right now. so i guess only time will tell. either i'll be successful or a major disappointment. either way, things will be learned and i'll be better for it.

but please, don't ask me to babysit. i'll say yes but secretly hate it.

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KinderTeach said...

I checked your blog this morning and this wasn't up but the date says yesterday!
You will be great. I have some things for you. Probably some things you never thought of but are wonderful to have. I'll help anyway I can. I love you baby sister and you'll do great!

Caitlin said...

How am I just seeing this blog? I am glad you are able to be doing this and that you've found a purpose. I love you!

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