Thursday, February 16, 2017

what i want out of life

it's been a while since i've written just to write. believe me, i've had ideas. usually after 10:30pm when i'm laying in bed, i'll be thinking over my day and map out a post that i think people would like to read and i would like to write. and then i drift off into neverland until my middle child [who chronically smells like pee] climbs into bed and makes my right arm go numb from snuggling. #momproblems

a few days ago i celebrated galentine's day with my girlfriends. ladies celebrating ladies over [dessert] breakfast. we were tasked to share the story of one lady from history that did something amazing. a fashion designer, queen, prophet's wife, YW president, and first lady were discussed. during these conversations, one friend brought up the idea of writing one's own eulogy to figure out what you want to accomplish in life. to help you map out your goals and figure out what's the most important. she felt haunted by her lack of formal education until she realized that's not what she wanted to be known for. living a life of service was more important and needful for her situation. and let me tell you, she is doing that.

the next day, that same friend [who despite her lack of a degree is one of the most fascinating people to talk to. she thoroughly enjoys listening to TED talks or reading non-fiction. esp cleaning books but that part is annoying] sent me a talk she had seen floating around on facebook a while back ago. it's called 'keeping life's demands in balance' by m. russell ballard. in it, he talks about doing the important things and offers up some suggestions. he mentions the story of alma the younger. after having seen thousands of lamanites killed in battle, without knowing the gospel, he laments that he cannot be angel and speak the word of God like a trumpet [aka missionary work but in ultra high def]. he longed to be more then what he was. he wanted to go and do one thing but that wasn't in the plan. he says 'why should i desire more than to perform the work to which i have been called?" [alma 29:6]

like most women, i am constantly asking myself "am i enough?". i worry that i'm not doing this right and i'm never going to be like so-and-so. growing up i wanted to sing. and ride in the rodeo. and be a soccer star. and own 7-11s [some dreams never change]. i never quite figured out what i wanted to do professionally but i knew i wanted to be a mom. and here i am, a mom, and i still feel unsettled. but why? i'm living my dream, i'm doing what i'm meant to be doing but why am i questioning my worth? i'm not saying i'm done dreaming or accomplishing. one day i WILL figure out what i want to do and i do want to work again. but my #1 job right now is mom. some famous dead person i don't care about said that the worst thing you can do is get what you want. or something like that.

so here's my eugoogaly.

melissa michelle harrison [zobrist] died tragically saturday afternoon when a slurpee machine fell on top of her. heroically, she pushed little kids out of the way of the fall [while others reported she had cut in line]*. melissa was 82 years old and is survived by her four sons; landon of new york city, porter of his mother's basement, griffin of california, and jack of all trades. she is now happily reunited with her sweetheart of over a million years, justin, who tragically died at the age of 45 from an antelope stamped in the african safari with the love of his life, steven**. melissa lived a full life and accomplished much in her years on this earth. known for her love of music, she successfully taught her sons to sing and play the piano mediocrely. she loved reading young adult fiction, even though she was an old grandma; she still kicked it. she actively participated in her local YMCA fitness classes, even leading a group of widows on a mountain hike. melissa served in many positions during her membership of the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints. she was basically happy whenever she could boss people around and make her ideas the best ideas. tragically, melissa never did get grass in her front yard and will now be haunting her place of residence for the many years to come. in leiu of flowers, melissa requested that everyone mourn her for seven days while wearing all pink, taking long baths, and drinking a coke slurpee.

*other way i can conceivably see myself dying
1- diabetes from slurpees
2- baking accident from using too much baking powder
3- a monster lurking under my bed at night

**other ways that i can conceivably see justin dying
1- diabetes from fruit snacks
2- car accident while driving home from church on a fast sunday
3- heart attack from screaming at the kids to stop climbing on his couches

ok that was hilarious, am i right?? honestly, the article my friend mentioned to me didn't say to specifically write down a eulogy but just imagine what you'd want people to say/remember about you if you died today.

things i'd want people to say
- wow, that melissa sure knew how to party
- where's the slurpee machine? i heard there would be a slurpee machine here
- melissa was so pretty. and had the best rack.
- remember when melissa saved all those cats from the kitty pound? she was the mother teresa of felines
- how did she manage to dye her temple clothes pink? and where did all this glitter come from?

things i don't want people to say
- remember that time melissa peed in the bathroom sink? [i was a little kid!]
- wow, she was kind of selfish wasn't she?
- i knew one person couldn't eat that much sugar without consequences
- melissa was one gossipy gossiper. and have i told you her boobs weren't even real?
- even at melissa's last party, she didn't have enough forks. get it together or don't even try.

ok ok, i'm done. let's get serious. i want people to say i was kind. thoughtful. that i only had nice things to say about people [this one is seriously going to the biggest hurdle for me]. i want to be known for teaching my boys church songs. i want to have taught them the scriptures, how to love the temple, and to send them off to be honorable missionaries and come home to be loving and hardworking fathers. i want to serve in the temple and really, really understand it. i want to write and to be read. i want to laugh and be active and healthy. i want to eat and not be fat. i want to love justin better then anyone has ever loved someone before. i want to be well-read in church literature. i want to have a job and make money. i want to create things and throw parties for my friends. i want to have many friends and be surrounded by so many people. i want to travel- not super far or anywhere exotic. must speak english and have french fries. i want to be someone people come to for advice, someone people trust. i want to be the person who sends cards and gifts spontaneously. i want to live by the spirit and help people in need. i want to babysit my grandkids and spoil them rotten. i want to skinny dip at night and see all the beauty the world has to offer. i want to pray as long as my granddad hurst did and really mean it. i want to freely give hugs out as often as i give out cookies. and i want to go to hawaii. i want to live by my sisters and get old and cantankerous together. i want to learn how to forgive and forget. i want to be someone that gives and helps. i want to serve a mission and finally learn how to really do family history. i want to grow old with justin and still see that handsome sailor when i look at his wrinkly old face.

is that too much? well, considering i'm considered middle age by now, i better get to crack-a-lacking.
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1 comment:

Kari said...

Just imagine if you were all those things already, then what would you do? I love how you show that this life is all about working to become the best of who we are meant to be.

Awesome goals, and I think you'd be surprised by how many of them people would already say about you.

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